Reality for me

How the fuck would i be able to get what i want in life if im not even trying to work for it. Im obsessed with day dreaming! or I could be in another one of my episode where I resolve to undoing when under stressed? But I love racing with time, with deadlines.

I already told myself that I would be a practicing Interior Designer and then again I cant stand manual drafting. Well I think I'm bound to be working on computers, and then again I cant stand CAD, well I think I cant stand it now, because I dont know how to do it.

Here's what I have to do:

1. I have to work doubly hard for me to get better on each area, even if it means I'll fail on my first try, at least I know Ill get better.

(but I'm secretly afraid of failing)

2. I have to lose my boyfriend, although he says he loves me, I just dont believe in it, although i adore guys, I fear their capability of cheating, I have this feeling that he does.

3. I have to have new friends, I dont like the people who are surrounds me right now.

4. I dont like some parts of my family, let's just say that some of them are not presentable enough.

Beyond

I previously tried writing about my self-indulging lifestyle which in the middle became a topic of my past.

I stopped.

I realized I want to be in a mission to change my obsession of retelling my life story from the past of how I became who i am now. Because I say it over and over and over again. I want it to end.I think for sometime I got obsessed of writing a very exciting life story, for some reason I think I scriptwritted everything.

I want to start NOW and forward, living not for the sake of having a good story to tell but for myself, my development forward.

sex, phonography and scandal

I am a young Pinay and have access to the latest technology out there in the market, I am aware of the latest La Salle sex scandal, which featured two couples from the said University having sex in a hote caught on tape. My long term boyfriend and I also have our own share of phonography, we both solemnly sweared to protect each and everyone of them PERIOD.

FREAK OF NATURE: last night I browsed thru friendster and came across boy bastos where manyaks thrive, I was taken aback by a picture that seemed very much familiar, although it didnt have a clear face, I swear that I recognize my own body, I just had to open the link, and to my further amazement, I recognize my boyfriend's hand, I saw 4 different pictures and they all look like me and my boyfriend. Obviously, I freaked out...

I confronted my boyfriend about, denied the allegations, accused me of being crazy and got totally mad that I was capable of thinking of him as such person.

His points are as follows:
1. What could he get out from it, if ever he did it?
2. There are numerous Pinoys and Pinays with that exactly the same private parts.
3. The face cannot be identified
4. He had never even seen or heard of the site.
5. He doesnt even have a cable connector for his video cam.

My points are:
1. I know my own body and his (he argued it didnt look like his daw, and I should be abashed by saying that)
2. I recognize some of the girls pictures in his brother's collection of said girlfriends (he asked me how could I think like that, it was so sick in my part he said)
3. I saw pictures like those taken ( he said I erased them already)
4. Maybe they were the pictures taken on his phone.
5. and I have scar in my hand, which I dont think is too freaky to have anyone have it exactly the same way (he said it didnt look like it)
6. I witnessed this 'deny to death attitude ' from him while he was apparently dating this t.v game survivor turned actress. (then he calls me crazy, and blames me of not having an attitude of getting over things easily)

Maybe I was crazy, I could take his word for it, but deep in my head I feel that I just know. I dont want to be wrong about this, I dont want to believe that he's such, I love him but lately I'm noticing that he's not good for me anymore.

I was hurt because

1. Lately, He has total disregard of my feelings ( he said he'd rather sleep on it than try to make me feel better about it)
2. He said I should consult a head doctor and that something is really wrong with me.
3. He said that why cant I be like him, and let go easily. (There was also an incident in Davao, which was just 5 days ago, which really had an impact on me, it involved his manager, imagine that person yelling at me at the airport, screaming and making me spend more by making me get another hotel far from them)

He added that it's only me who could make myself happy, which is true, alot of things are going thru my mind, maybe I should gather up the courage to leave this relationship, afterall it is only I who could do anything about my happiness right?

start of a brand new hell a day

This feeling I have today, (base from my title) is probably inspired by too much of Oprah Winfrey and Starting Over, the latter help me see myself on the tube in each person, the better part is that the life coach offer suggestions on how to become better at whatever it is you are dealing with, while Oprah's overratedness just makes me want to stare at the tube longer and watch her every move and wonder what made her so great.

November 1st, I was watching this show in a hotel in Davao with my long term boyfriend, he mentioned that he never liked the show, stating that they feature weak women, he does not see the empowerment they gain by participating in such. Funny that he does not see me in those girls, and I am convinced that I can really relate.

In my low times, I wish that I have a life coach, and there times that I also find them unentertaining especially when they are not as convincing. I would just love to stick my tongue out and stare at them blankly.